Title: The Old Lull and Pounce (Like the Bait and Switch, Only Sexier)
Author: Sonya
Email: sonyajeb@swbell.net
Summary: Jayne needs a plan. Stat.
Spoilers/Timeline: Approx. a year down the road after the show's final aired episodes, sequel to "Water Damage" and "Breathing Like the Drowning Man," takes place the very next day after those stories ended.
Characters: Simon, Jayne, Kaylee
Pairings: Simon/Jayne UST, implied Simon/Kaylee
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Joss owns all. I own nothing but my envy of him for owning all. (Which sucks, because Simon's really snuggly and wears shiny vests, which is quite the endearing combination, IMHO.)
Note: Thanks go out to Tara for her handy Chinese glossary and to sffan for the beta and continual encouragement. :)

dai dai gan mei yong yi sheng - stupid fucking useless doctor
di yu - hell
hundan - bastard
la shi - shit
meiyou muqin de xiao gou - motherless cur
nuofu - coward


Jayne had thought about it long and hard. He'd considered every angle. He'd come up with a dozen different plans and possibilities, and rejected each one mere seconds after its conception.

Sighing, he flopped himself heavily down on his bunk, the springs creaking in protest to the rough treatment. *Dai dai gan mei yong yi sheng!* Why couldn't the boy just get the di yu out of his head? Was that too much to ask of the 'verse?

Just thinking of Simon in the abstract sense brought forth a visual onslaught of images: dark hair combed over a high forehead, blue eyes that brought to mind the sky on a perfect day, a sensual mouth that gave him a million different ideas, none of them anything he should really be thinking about, and his hands... long, tapered doctor's fingers with skin that was flawless and smooth, not at all like Jayne's, which were rough and work hardened. Hands like those would glide over a man's skin like silk.

Jayne thumped his head back against his pillow, scowling in frustration. Apparently not thinking about Simon *was* too much to ask outta life. Gorram it.

He tried to think of another plan that would get him what he wanted, but it was no use. Because it all came back to the exact same thing. Simon Tam would not want a grubby, rude, stupid hundan like him. Not ever. And so he was back to square one, which was also known as square *screwed* in his book. He couldn't stop thinking about the doc, and the doc, in turn, would want nothing to do with him.

Jayne sighed. Life was lookin' to be awful lonely out here in the black, with only his fantasies about that pretty mouth and his own hand for company.

It was Kaylee who finally gave him the idea he needed to make his plan work.

Later that afternoon, he'd been trying to find somebody to spot him with the weights because Book was taking a week off to spend some time in some ruttin' church somewhere, communin' with god or some such nonsense. Mal had been too busy doin' Captain-y things and flat out refused. Wash and Zoe were nowhere to be found, which meant that there was at least one man on this boat who was gettin' some touch, though why it was that skinny pilot and not Jayne was beyond him. He still didn't get what Zoe saw in the little man. Askin' Inara or Kaylee was pointless, seein' as they'd prolly wind up droppin' the weights on his head, bein' so tiny and all. No way he was getting near River, girl was a might bit too crazy for his tastes and he tried to avoid her for the most part. Had ever since the time she took a knife to his chest. And that only left one person... a person that Jayne was not even going to *consider* asking for all kinds of reasons.

So, of course, it was just Jayne's luck that the doc overheard his predicament and, outta some misplaced sense of gratitude or some such most likely, showed up out of the blue in a pair of loose fittin' pants made of some soft lookin' fabric that had Jayne's hands just itchin' to reach out and touch it and see if it felt as nice as it looked. And, to Jayne's dismay, aside from the pants, the doc weren't wearin' much else.

Adding the doc's chest with that silky, white skin coverin' more muscles than any gorram doctor had a right to have to his mental list of things about the man that he only allowed himself to think about when he was alone in his bunk, Jayne quickly averted his eyes and instead stared at his weight set, silently cursing it for putting him in this position to begin with.

"What'cha want, Doc?" he asked gruffly, hoping that maybe the man would get the message that he wasn't welcome and just turn around and leave before Jayne did something embarrassing.

Simon shifted on his feet, looking suddenly uncomfortable, but pressed on anyway. If Jayne hadn't been so busy trying to think of anything *aside* from the doctor standing just a step or two behind him, he would have admired the man's persistence. "Kaylee mentioned something about you looking for a spotter since the Shepherd was away. I thought I could offer my services."

Jayne heard a rustle of movement and turned his head, spotting Kaylee standing a few feet away lookin' pleased as punch. She gave him a little wave and nodded her head, obviously encouraging him to take Simon up on his offer.

Gorram it. Was the 'verse just conspiring against him lately?

Simon reached out a hesitant hand and placed it on his shoulder in what, Jayne assumed, was meant to be a friendly gesture between men. 'Course, what with the way he was thinkin' about the doc just now, that touch shot straight to his groin and made him squirm uncomfortably.

Noticing his movement, Simon frowned and removed his hand, fixing him with a confused stare.

"Ya shouldn't be up on that ankle yet, Doc," he replied, doing his best to keep his voice perfectly level and reasonable. "Was just yesterday that ya twisted it wrong when we was stuck down in them sewers on Persephone."

He still remembered when the doc had gasped sharply and collapsed against him, Jayne's quick reflexes the only thing keeping him from taking another dunk in the murky, brown water they were plodding through. It had scared him somethin' fierce, though he hadn't let on to it. Sneaking a glance over at Simon out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the small scab on the man's lower lip from where he'd bitten it the other day. He felt his heart speed up at the memory of how soft those lips had felt underneath his fingertips when he'd touched them, just for a moment.

Simon shrugged, seemingly oblivious to where Jayne's mind was taking him. He took a step closer to the mercenary, his eyes on the weights in front of them. "It wasn't bad, just a pulled muscle. I took something for the pain. Besides, its not like spotting you requires me to do much running around or anything. It should be fine."

Jayne scowled. Leave it to the doc to ruin a perfectly good excuse with something as stupid as the facts. Fidgeting again, he tried to ignore the heat that radiated off the doc's body, which was just a few inches away from his own. But it was pretty damn useless. He could feel his body reacting to the other man's proximity and cursed under his breath. Now was definitely *not* the time to let the cat outta the bag, so to speak.

"Maybe I just don't want help from a pansy assed nuofu like you," he growled, desperate now, taking a couple of quick steps away from Simon and putting the weight bench between them. "Ever think of that?"

Simon blinked, his eyes going impossibly wide and looking for all the world like somebody had just kicked his puppy. The look on his face made Jayne's heart clench up all painful-like in his chest, but he made himself ignore it and continue to glare at Simon.

"Um, yes... sure..." the young man stammered, taking a step backwards and pasting an unconvincing smile on his face. "Perfectly understandable," he muttered, quickly spinning on his heel and heading back towards the infirmary.

There was a long moment of silence where Jayne very nearly forgot to breathe. But then there was a sudden string of curse words from behind him. Jayne winced. He'd forgotten that Kaylee was even in the room.

"Why you meiyou muqin de xiao gou!" she exclaimed hotly, striding over to stand directly in front of Jayne and poking him in the chest hard. "There he was, tryin' ta do you a *favor* an' you just treated him like some piece of la shi that weren't worth your time!"

Jayne took a step back, raising his hands defensively to ward off more of her poking. "Now, Kaylee... listen, I..."

"No, *you* listen, ya big oaf!" she cried, placing her hands on her hips and thrusting her chin forward in that way that said she really meant business this time. "Simon is tryin' ta be nice to you, not that you deserve it or nothin' though. The least ya could do is try an' be nice back!"

She whirled around and tore out of there in a huff, presumably off to find Simon and offer him her comfort. And Jayne knew just what form that comfort would take, too. Weren't no secret that the two of 'em had gotten together for a while a few months back. He still remembered the one time he'd found 'em all over each other in the engine room. They said now that it was over and that they were 'just friends' or some such, but Jayne didn't buy it. At least not from Kaylee. She'd been all wet over Simon from the moment the boy stepped on board this ship. And now that Jayne had gone and hurt his feelin's somethin' fierce, it would be just the chance she needed to get back in the game.

Scowling, he kicked the nearest bulkhead and cursed loudly. Why did he always have to muck up everything even remotely good in his life? He figured he must be cursed. It was the only explanation for it.

Sitting down on the weight bench, he buried his head in his hands and sighed. It looked like he was gonna be left with many long nights alone for the foreseeable future, just him and his thoughts, which were quickly turning bitter. But then something Kaylee had said snuck up and grabbed his attention all of a sudden.

The least ya could do is try an' be nice back!

Jayne blinked. How... perfect. And so simple as ta be crazy. But, she was right, wasn't she? If he wanted to even stand a chance, he had to start acting more like the kind of men the doc was used to. No more cussing... well, at least not much. No more insults. Maybe he could even try and help the doc out now and again without havin' ta be told first. It would be hard bein' around Simon and actin' all nice and polite when what he really wanted to do was tear the boy's clothes off and see if his skin tasted as good as it looked, but it didn't matter what he wanted right now, because Simon sure as hell wasn't going to agree to that proposition any time soon. But, he vowed silently to himself, no matter how long it took, Jayne was going to figure out a way to seduce the doctor into his bed. And if acting all nice and proper was what it took, then he was gonna be the most proper and polite man in the 'verse. And then, when the doc was least expecting it, all lulled into a false state of security, he'd pounce.

Jayne grinned. Finally. He had himself a gorram plan.